Recently, I decided to write a newsletter. My idea was to publish what I found interesting, some drawings, and, if I'm lucky, receive other exciting things from whoever is reading.
But when I went to write the first one, I froze. I kept thinking about what I should write in the first newsletter. It had to be good. After all, it was the first!
It was my perfectionism talking.
Perfectionism is just a fear of disappointing others. It is a self-destructive belief system that is typically adopted early in life as a reaction to environments in which we perceive a lack of appreciation from our caregivers for our inherent traits, which they view as flaws. This perceived absence of unconditional acceptance leads us to believe that we must strive for flawlessness in order to gain validation and approval.
It's basically learned fear.
So, out of fear, first, I sent a newsletter draft to a friend who is an author and has a super successful newsletter and tens of thousands of followers. But knowing it was just me being afraid to hit send, he didn't even bother to read it and just replied: – publish it.
So I did it.
Book
Last week I also hit send in my book. And I also went through the same struggle of wanting to keep polishing it indefinitely.
The book talks about the reasons why three years ago, I left my job, sold my house, and started living in a trailer traveling the country.
In one of the first chapters of my book, I talk about a story I read in Lost Connections about a 1950s woman who talks with her doctor about her concern that something is wrong with her:
"I have everything a woman could possibly want," she says, "I have a good husband who provides for me. I have a nice house with a picket fence. I have two healthy children. I have a car. I have nothing to be unhappy about. But look at me—I feel terrible. I must be broken inside."
Today, we know that she didn't actually have everything a woman “could possibly want.” Instead, she had everything her culture expected her to have. But she didn't have a meaningful job; she didn't have autonomy; she didn't have equal rights. The problem wasn't with her; it was the expectations that society placed upon her.
A few years ago, I found myself in a similar position as that woman. I thought I had everything a person could possibly want. Objectively, my life was good. But like the lost woman from the '50s, I wasn't happy.
Today I know that life should be more than going to work so you can rest on weekends and eventually retire while raising your kids to do just the same.
We've been indoctrinated that we'd be happy if we got good grades, attended a good university, followed our doctor's instructions, obeyed the law, and got a nice job.
That's probably why today, so many of us are asking: "I sort of did what I was told to do, so why doesn't my life feel fulfilling?”.
That is what the book is about.
I'll let you know when it's published.
By the way, this week, I finished rereading the book Feck Perfection by the same friend who told me just to send the newsletter as it was.
What I love about this book is its approach to life through the lens of art. It reveals how our personal decisions – whether to embrace courage or avoid it – directly influence the fun and accomplishments we find in our own lives.
See you next week.
So glad you hit send! Thrilled to see more of your art and reflections ❤️
Lovely Ben, thanks for sharing! My perfectionism gets the better of me sometimes too. Glad to read your writing, looking forward to the next one!!